National Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day is October 11, a day when GLBT Americans are encouraged to break free from the political and social restraints of a heterosexual world and be proud of who we are as a people.

For many GLBT people, coming out can be very difficult. Facing family, friends, co-workers and classmates can be frightening, especially when the world has taught us for so long that being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered is unacceptable.

Though I can understand the fear a person would have when considering to come out, my personal journey was quite different. I've always been a very outspoken person, never really caring what other people think of me. Instead, I've always been more of a trend setter, a person who leaped first and asked questions later.

When I was 18 years old, I told my mother in a very casual conversation that I am gay. She didn't care, nor did she have much to say about it. Coming out to Dad was a little more difficult since I had always sought his approval for so many things throughout my life. But, I didn't really care what he thought when it came to my sexuality; it was mine to own, not his to approve.

One day I came home to do some laundry (I had been living part-time with friends in the gayborhood) and Dad asked where I had been for the past two weeks. Without thinking twice, I blurted "I've been staying with my boyfriend. You'd like him. He's a lawyer."

Dad didn't say anything for what seemed like several minutes. Finally I asked him if he was going to comment. He said "I've always known. I don't know what you want me to say. Just don't bring your lovers here or to any family event. And, don't tell your grandma!"

I told Dad that I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to meet him in the first place, so his rules were meaningless and without merit. I didn't return home or speak to my father for almost two years after that day. But, being a television reporter on a gay TV show, I sent Dad tapings of my show every week...just to tip the scale - to show him that his judgment did not affect me.

A few years later, after moving to Dallas and living with my (ex) partner, Dad called me up and invited us to Christmas with the family. He said that he missed having his son at family events. That year, my partner and I were welcomed with open arms and we appeared in all of the family photos. Amazingly, I was more uncomfortable at Christmas with my partner than any one of my family members. They just carried on like there was absolutely nothing different or out of place. I owe them a great deal of gratitude for this. My family, that day, and every single day afterward, made me feel normal.

Today, Dad is deceased. He died this time last year from colon cancer. But, we shared a good solid five years in a healthy and happy relationship with each other; a relationship free of hatred and bias, and full of love and acceptance. On this National Coming Out Day, I give thanks to my dad and my entire family for being so loving and so accepting. It took some tough love on my part...but, as I said before...being gay is mine to own, not my family's to approve.

A dear friend of mine has been in the closet his entire life, and when we first met I hounded him about it. He told me that his truck-driver dad would never understand it, nor would he accept it. So, my friend decided that he was not going to come out to his family. At age 29, my friend flew back home to St. Louis and came out to his mother and father. He explained that he could no longer understand why his family should not know about his sexuality, and that he owed it to his parents to tell them the truth. I was so proud of him. I knew that even if he didn't come out to them, he had already taken the biggest step toward self-acceptance.

My friend's father didn't take it so well. In fact, he kicked him out of his house that weekend and demanded that his son repay all of his college tuition. Even worse, he's been told not to call home, and his father said some really mean things. I felt so bad for my friend when he was telling me this. But, he is so respectful of himself and his new-found self awareness that his father's reaction did minimal damage to his heart. My friend explains that he knew his father would take it this way and that he was prepared.

Still...it's very sad. You're only given one set of parents in this life. If my father had died last year while we were in a state of disagreement or hatred, it would be unbearable. I would never have forgiven myself for not trying harder.

So, to all of you out there who are still not out to your family...first, do it on your own terms and at your own pace. But, second, never lose sight of who you are. Find your self-respect. And, if someone has a problem with your sexuality...just think about this...that's THEIR problem to worry about and lose sleep over...NOT YOURS. Just remember...you've already lost your sleep. You've already worried about it. You've already beaten yourself up about it. Don't do it all over again for someone else. Take care of yourself first. It's not your responsibility to cope with everyone's doubts, worries and inadequacies. Be who you are with NO APOLOGIES.